Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
