wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
