oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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