and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I need to calm my uterus...
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize
