he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
