I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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