I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
