At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
