you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
