dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
