Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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