So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
