who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
