lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
