just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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