thus making me awesome and them whores
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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