Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
