u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
