she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
