I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
