I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
