she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
