Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
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I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
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I need to calm my uterus...
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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