I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Randomize
