the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
