Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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