I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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