So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
We named our party play list daddy issues
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
