And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
My ATM looks so different sober.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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