Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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