Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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