I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Randomize
