ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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