one two three fourrrrnication!
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
