He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
