what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
