I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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