Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
