I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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