lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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