she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Randomize
