Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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