well I can't set my house on fire every night
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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