i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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