Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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