sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
