I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Randomize
