It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
