Need sex. Gaining weight.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
