I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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