I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
