so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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