Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
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