i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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