??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
