Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
