Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
