Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
